Bagong Tab

Patawad na po, maling tab po ang nabuksan niyo.

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nakasama magpraktis

nakasama magtugtugan

nakasama sa jeep

nakasama kumain ng hapunan

nakasuap

binanggit yung pangalan ko sa chat

sorry ulit sa mura pero.. sobra sobra na sasabog na po ako kingina ):

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kinausap nanaman ako kanina ni crush. kaso ang narinig ko lang yung pagbanggit ng pangalan ko kasi nagtatawanan yung buong grupo. hindi na din ako naka reply sa kanya.

pero, anobayan! kinausap nanaman niya ako! bakit ganito, ano na ang nangyayari? guguho na ba ang mundo? QUOTANG QUOTA NA AKO SA KANYA!

nakahiga nanaman yung ulo niya sa arm rest, gusto ko nanaman siyang yakapin. tapos yung boses niya. kingina ko. tama na. sobra na. baka di ko na matago. KALMA KALMA ABA. 

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rant lang ulit, na medyo may kilig

birthday ng crush ko kanina.

ang saya ko lang kanina. yun lang.

kahit nasungitan ko siya kanina. badtrip eh. minura ko talaga sarili ko pagkatapos.

sinabi niya lang yung pangalan ko, tapos sabi ko “ano nanaman.” tungu ku. minura ko na sarili ko mga 50 times.

grabe, halos first time niyang sinabi yung pangalan ko ng ganun lang. tapos ang bobo ko talaga, nagulat kasi ako, tapos yun pa nasabi ko sa kanya. pero  medyo tuwa ko naman. haha.

tapos noong nakapatong yung ulo at kamay niya sa drafting table kanina, di ko nanaman matiis na nais siyang yakapin grabe.

masakit na alam kong in a million years di ko magagawa. hay nako.

pero noong pauwi na kami, talagang sinabi niya ulit yung pangalan ko tapos nag babay siya. grabe. sorry sa mura, pero tangina ang saya ko. hahaaaaay.

feeling ko parang first time niya ginawa yun, kasi di naman siya laging ganon. pero basta, ok na yun. 

pero nung sinabi niya talaga yun, medyo nakapaghanda ako, tapos ang reply ko “happy birthday” haha. medyo malayo sa sinabi niya, pero oks na oks na talaga.

hay. hay.

hay.

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I just realized something this morning.

This is so weird. So unnatural. It’s like I have never felt so much sadness and yearning like this before..

I was lying on my bed, hugging my pillow, waiting for my time to take a bath, while my friend was taking selfies on my phone (which I really don’t mind. My phone became this universal-picture-taking camera for most of my friends.) when my mind suddenly started to drift into remembering things and then somehow, I was thinking of this specific friend. I was just thinking of him, and I was trying to figure out if I have any crush on him, and when I asked myself the question if I really do have feelings for him, I felt like vomiting. I started to curse myself and I remembered my crush and I was cursing myself more and then I remembered my other friend who started to like me and I was getting so angry I was so sorry for myself for cursing so much.

And then, I went back into thinking of my friend and I asked myself why would I think of having to like him? And that was when I remembered about when I first saw him, my first impression of him was that he was good-looking. But I didn’t like-like him that time, I just knew he was a good-looking guy and that he was quite funny and friendly. And then I got to be friends with him, and I started to see him as a friend and I never really did have a crush on him, because he was a friend just like my other guy friends. Haha, friend friend, friend, friend. And then I remembered, there was this thing that he does that makes me smile and sometimes makes me stop for a like a nano-second. And the first time he did it was during a Maths class (sribod) and I can’t remember why I turned my head around and I saw him, and it’s that thing where you look at someone and it’s like people have a sixth sense for when they exactly know when people are looking at them, and they straight up look back at you and the moment happens so fast you sometimes panic and shamelessly turn your head back around. But by the time he looked back at me, I didn’t get to turn my head back, because he just looked at me and he winked both of his eyes at the same time, like, okay that might not be the right term to describe what he did, I really don’t know what to call it, it’s like that beautiful-eyes gesture, is that it? Anyway, he did that the moment he looked at me and kind-of smiled and I don’t know if I smiled back or turned around, I really don’t know what happened next, I know it just made me a little happy inside and it was cute. And he did that like twice, I guess. And then after months of summer, we just started school again, I just remembered yesterday, an almost similar thing happened, but this time he didn’t do the same gesture again.

At the time that I realized this, it made me a bit sad. And that was when I asked myself

What happened? Why are things not the same like before?

And all of my past memories started to flash back as I try to understand what happened, and everything that I could think of changed and it was so weird and I wanted to cry, because back then it was simple, people were happy, we were all this bunch of friends, making memories and being together and happy and all of that is not close to what my present is like. I used to be with these three guy friends, and we were always together during lunch and when doing plates and playing this game that we always play, even though sometimes we do mingle and go with other groups of friends, but now one stopped going to school, I couldn’t talk properly are even act properly with the other one and the sometimes, when there’s something to do or during a break time, the third one is already out with our other guy friends. I know it’s there lives and it’s not like I want to them to always be with me, it’s just that I miss the times that we would go eat together and laugh about jokes and when we just talk about things and doing scale models with them and listening to Taylor Swift or the Papa Jack on the radio. Gosh, I’m crying now. I miss those times.

There were other things that changed and it made me miss a lot of people and a lot of memories and all that is either gone or different now.

MAN THIS IS A LONG RANT. I JUST SAD. I NEED TO ADJUST AGAIN. UGHH

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So sisimulan ko na lang kung ano yung nangyari ngayong araw.

PART 3

Bibilisan ko na lang ‘to kasi ala una na, tanghali nanaman ako magigising bukas, hay.

Tungkol ito sa crush ko. Grabe nanaman yung feeling na nung, bgtech naka upo siya sa harap ko in between aprrox. 3 meters or space, people, and drafting tables. In short, nakikita ko siya sa peripheral view ko and potek dapat tigilan ko na yung sarili ko.

Tapos nung uwian, nag babay siya tapos sinabi niya yung name ko. Kahit na, siya yung pangatlong tao na gumawa noon, at baka ginaya niya lang yung dalawang nauna para hindi naman siya magmukhang rude, OKS LANG. Buo na ulit yung gabi ko. Pangalawang beses na ata nangyari to. WOO KILIG.

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So sisimulan ko na lang kung ano yung nangyari ngayong araw.

PART 2

SO AFTER I LOST MY SOUL TO BUILDING TECH 3 ON OUR FIRST MEETING..

we had an hour break, and then Literature. I needed to print out my homework, as well as Marwin and Pope so we went out of school. As we were exiting the Law building and going right to Gate 3, there was a sudden familiar face and I smiled. A SMILED BECAUSE AFTER HE (or I kind-of realized anyway. not that i’m bragging but seriously, just.. why? ugh) made it a point that he likes me, I still want to be friends with him and I don’t want to make everything awkward and make our friendship go to waste. I don’t expect myself reciprocating his emotions because one of the biggest reasons to that is the fact the HE IS A FRIEND, end of the line. Some might think I’m such a bad person to do this to him, but seriously here’s many more back-stories about him and issues as to WHY I really wouldn’t accept his “love”. Too tired to talk about all that. And so I didn’t think I said hi to him, I just smiled because he knows it already (and actually, I was just chatting with him last night and you know what we were talking about? He was asking me why wouldn’t I love him back. And I was so close as to telling him everything I want to say but I was too busy and told him not now and that I prefer talking to him in personal. I HAD TO SAY SORRY AT THE END, MY GOSH. Do I really have to be nice and do that?) and he was with his guy friends, with them all sitting on a row of mono-block chairs along the pathway, and I was looking at him because I started to feel very conscious and unnatural and awkward and I could feel like all his friends are looking at me and that they know everything and it’s kind-of flattering that he would tell all his friends about me, but I know that’s not what I would want. He was all half fidgety half trying to make proper conversations, and all I could say were one-liners because my head’s gone blank and my stomach’s not feeling it and it’s so not like how I actually talk to him. IT’S DISTURBING and that’s few of the reasons why.

I’m really disturb about all these. Like, if I  think about it, if there was no issue or anything, I would have been really happy to see him there and call out his name in a very cheery voice and I would have even started the conversation with him and he would be the one doing the one-liners because he wouldn’t be bothered to talk to me that much, which is still okay because we haven’t even been in a class together in like almost 2 years already. AND ALL THESE CHANGES, this really sudden liking of me that i don’t know when it started because whenever I see him in the hallways about last year, he would almost not acknowledge my presence, or just the typical nod thing or a hi or it’s just that. AND THEN NOW YOU SEEM LIKE I JUST APPEARED TO YOU IN A DIFFERENT LIGHT AND YOU JUST DECIDED OH HEY WHY NOT TRY LIKING JULICE? seriously, it infuriates me whenever I think of it and all those other back-stories that follows it.

Okay to end this, I know what he feels are emotions and if they are real (which I don’t doubt if they aren’t) I am so sorry but you can’t force me to like a person they way they want. And that’s that.

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So sisimulan ko na lang kung ano yung nangyari ngayong araw.

GUSTO KO TALAGA MAG UPDATE NG POST KASO NAKO-CORNIHAN KASI AKO KAPAG HINDI KO NAPOPOST NG EXACT DATE SO..

PART 1

Nagising ako ng mga 6:20 kasi hidni ko parin kayang magising ng unang alarm pa lang. I got up, went to school and still didn’t eat breakfast which I do since like..forever actually. First subject was Building Tech 3, and we’re having our first meeting. When we got to meet who our professor was, my first impression was that she was strict and a-totally-not-chill professor and the very opposite of out previous professor from Building Tech 2. After like a couple of minutes of her talking in English.. dude, the woman is indeed A VERY STRICT and when she started talking about her school I thought it was okay, but then again she started talking about herself and everything about her achieving all these things and she started asking students if anyone in the room has achieved honors and things like that and I was like wtf bro why’d you do that for and she even sorted out OUR WHOLE WEEK and computed all the hours of schooling the the supposed hours of studying that we should not be wasting our time and I thought what if there were emergencies and a little of social life, yeah how about that do “life” things and then she continued talking about herself moving on to her graduating magna cum laude and the jobs and how many years she’s been doing all those jobs and what she does and you know that’s nice but I don’t get it are we supposed to be inspired or are you slowly psychoanalyzing your students into thinking that we’re stupid and can’t do any of the things that you did and.. well in the end of the talk, she kind-of became this  HIGH-STANDARD SUPER-ACHIEVER GET-UNO-OR-FOREVER-FAIL, DO-OR-LITERALLY-DIE STUDY-5EVER professor. Which is not a good sign. Nope. And to add to that, we had to design right away a commercial-residential medium-rise building after her lengthy “talk” without even giving a lot area to begin with and she is expecting us TO ACTUALLY FIND A REAL ONE AND GET THE TCT AND PICTURES OF THE SITE BY NEXT SATURDAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FRICK A FRACK?????!! That was so uncalled for, and I am so screwed. SCREWED, I TELL YOU AGHHHH!

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SORRY PO TAlAGA KUNG MAGMUMURA AKO SORRY HINDI TALAGA KINAYA

GRABE YUNG CRUSH KOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

TANG INAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ALAM KONG INFATUATION LANG TONG NARARAMDAMAN KO PERO TANG INAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AS IN GRABE PUTA DI KO MAPIGILAN KINIKILIG AKO TANG INAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA CRUSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

PAG NAAALALA KO YUN

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

NANGGIGIGIL AKOOOOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

GUSTO KO LANG SIYANG I HUG GRABEEEEEEEEEEEEE

ANG MASAKIT LANG KASI DI KO PWEDENG GAWIN KASI FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE ANG AWKWARD NUN

GRABE UGH

PARANG PAG NAAALALA KO KIKILIGIN MUNA AKO TAPOS YUNG PUSO KO TAPOS GUSTO KONG SUMABOG AT BALIKAN YUNG MOMENT NA YUN AT I HUG SIYA

SOBRANG INTENSE NG INFATUATION NA ITOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

AS IN YUNG..

Kanina, pauwi na kami, kasama ko yung mga kaibigan ko at naglalakad na kami. Gabi na din, pero may liwanag parin galing sa mga street lights. Yung crush ko (potek landi) nasa harap ko pala bigla, ako nasa likod niya ng mga ilang pulgada lamang ang distansya, naglalakad ng deretso. Suot niya yung damit at pantalon na gustong-gusto ko ang estilo at bagay na bagay sa kanya (kahit na yung sapatos medyo hindi na sana, kung nag tsinelas siya, mas okay). Hinawakan niya ang kanyang buhok na parang inaayos-ayos ito gamit ang isang kamay, at di ko mapigilang manggigil sa kanya sa ilang minutong ginawa niya ito sa harap ko kahit nakatalikod sa akin at ang lapit lapit niy na sa sobrang gigil ko, gusto ko sana siyang yakapin…

KAHIT PANG ONE TIME LANG NA MAHIGPIT NA MAHIPGPIT WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GRABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE TANGINA

NANGGIGIL PARIN TALAGA AKO HANGGANG NGAYON

KAHIT ALAM KONG HINDI NIYA BINANGGIT YUNG PANGALAN KO NOONG NAGPAPAALAM NASILA PERO OKAY LANG

KASI YUNG MOMENT NA YUN AY GRABEEEEEEEEEEEEE

SANA KAHIT SA PANAGINIP NA LANG

YUN LANG REQUEST KO

ONE TIME LANG

HAYYY

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i’m supposed to be researching stuff for school but i feel mushy in my heart right now so imma type down some stuff first

i hate some little things

i hate it whenever i get to see you from the corners of my eye

and you’re sitting about 2 rows of armchairs behind me

and you lay your head on your right arm by the arm rest

and it makes me feel like you’re trying to watch me from afar

when i know that you are not and it hurts

and i hate that.

i hate it whenever i get to luckily sit near you or right next to you

and i can’t really move my head to look at you

and i can’t entirely open my mouth to talk to you

and i can’t help to be fidgety in my head but physically stiff

and it makes me feel like you might as well want to start a conversation with me

when i know that you wouldn’t enjoy it as much as i would and it hurts

and i hate that.

i hate it whenever you’re in front of me

and all my eyes can mesmerize with is your hair

and i could just stare at it for so long that i hope no one notices

and when you caress your hair, i could die into dust of my own infatuation

and i can’t help but feel like casually reaching out and messing all those soft waves of hair

when i know that in a million years i will never do it and it hurts

and i hate that.